Dear Future Love,

I need you to hear me, because dating in Los Angeles is difficult enough, and as we get older it seems to become increasingly difficult. I come from a culture that values education, marriage and family, and it can start to feel impossible to find someone with a similar upbringing and similar values. I have never been one to date for the sake of dating. I was raised to believe that dating is a means to marriage, and that if someone is not the "marrying type," you should not waste time on them when you could be meeting "the one." Growing up in Los Angeles most of my life, I have become "Americanized," as my family describes it. But even with a more open outlook on relationships and life, I still hold many of those cultural values close - and I can no longer ignore how they shape my dating life, or how often they are misunderstood. So if you are meeting a woman like me, here is what I need you to know.

I need you to know that just because I am old fashioned does not mean that we will never have sex. I, like many women, enjoy sex. I am simply more reserved - more "picky" - about whom I share it with. When I want to wait, it is because I still find it meaningful; because I cannot separate the feelings from the act the way some can; because I do not prioritize sexual gratification over feeling desired and safe. I see you wanting to know that the spark is there. I need you to see that, for me, the spark grows in safety.

I need you to know that wanting to know you better before having sex does not mean there will be no physical pleasure. Sex is a process, not just a goal. There are so many things two people can share that bring closeness and pleasure without the act itself - and someday, when the sex inevitably fades, it is all of that other stuff, and the bond two people have built, that will hold the relationship up. I am not withholding a destination; I am inviting you into a journey.

I need you to know that not having sex with you within a couple of dates does not mean there is something wrong with me. I, too, have become jaded. I, too, fear that people are only looking for one thing. The same way you might think there is something "wrong" with me for wanting to wait, I could find something "wrong" with you for not being able to. This is not something I do to "get it over with." It is something special to me, and just because "everyone else" does it does not make it a requirement for me. I see your impatience; I need you to see my worth.

I need you to know that I am not criticizing the women who share themselves freely - I say great for them! Part of me even wishes I could be as free or as confident as they are. But I prioritize my safety and my comfort, and I think about how I will feel telling my husband someday about the partners I have had. Some women do not carry that thought, and some men prefer those women. I am simply not one of them, and that is not a flaw to be fixed; it is a value to be honored.

I need you to know that I would like to be courted. As Patti Stanger says on WE TV's Millionaire's Club, "women fall in love between their ears." I know you can meet a woman on an app or at a bar and have the time of your life - you may even have. But calling me, investing time, and getting to know me helps me feel desired; it helps me feel like I am not just someone else you are looking to bed. I need someone who puts me in a space of feeling safe and secure, because only that safety will allow someone like me to be vulnerable and comfortable when the time comes.

I need you to know that I, too, find looks and chemistry important. Regardless of how much people deny it, looks do matter. But when I am already interested in you - when I have spent time getting to know you and picturing a life and a family with you - the looks become a little less important and the chemistry grows deeper. I believe that this kind of chemistry is what will carry us through all of the arguments we are going to have, and through our old age, when we have nothing new to say to one another and everything to feel.

I write all of this because I often hear what a great mother and wife I would be, and yet the minute a date learns he has to wait, the interest fades and the judgment arrives. I once had a man praise me for having had few partners, because he had found a study linking a woman's number of partners to her likelihood of cheating on a spouse. That same relationship ended because I asked to wait a couple of weeks, and he "wanted to make sure we had chemistry." My question to him remains: if this relationship does not work out, what do I tell my next partner, or the one after that - as my odds, by his own study, worsen with every chemistry test? I do not know if that study had any merit. What I do know is that as long as my statistics and his chemistry were what mattered, it did not matter how it would change my life if things did not work out. That does not feel safe. That does not feel cared for.

So, Future Love, I need you to know that I am not a test to pass or a goal to reach. I am a woman who wants to build something that lasts; a home where we both feel safe; a love worth waiting for. If you can see past the waiting to the woman who is waiting, you will find that I am not withholding love - I am protecting it, for you.

Sincerely,

An old-fashioned heart worth the wait