Dear Fear of Abandonment,

I hear you…

I hear you when you whisper that people will leave, that you are too much, too needy, too something. I see your need to know that you matter; to know that you are held; to know that your existence is not conditional on being perfect. When your voice grows louder and the world grows darker, I see your need to be reassured, remembered and kept.

When I look past your racing thoughts and your desperate grasping, I see a soul that simply wishes people would take the time to listen - to understand what it feels like to live with you every day. I see you watching movies like 50 First Dates, where a husband writes sweet notes so that every morning his wife can be reminded of her life and know that she is loved and taken care of, and I hear you wondering if that kind of love exists in real life. I see you holding onto the story of a note left for an elderly woman with dementia, telling her that her food has been paid for and that she should eat, and I feel how deeply a part of you believes that this kind of love really does exist. I know you wonder what it takes to love someone that much, and what a person must do to earn it. I know that sometimes, you feel like you need that kind of love.

When something is said or done that stirs you awake, I watch you run straight to the oldest story you know - that there is not enough, that you are not enough, that no one will stick around. You tell me I must be perfect to keep people. And when you take me to that place, I know that what you desperately need is someone to help you take a deep breath and remind you that you are loved; that we can argue and they will still love you and still be here; that even though lives change and priorities shift, there will always be a connection strong enough to keep us in each other's lives, simply because there is love and care there. I know it matters to hear this. Because sometimes your voice gets too loud, and your fear makes things too dark.

I know you carry guilt for needing constant reassurance, and yet sometimes that need grows stronger than either of us can handle. Sometimes I see you coming and I can reach for my tools, breathe through you, help you dissipate. Other times you arrive fast and strong, and I feel like a burden because you make me need too much. I feel unlovable when people can't seem to understand or say the right things. I feel like I don't matter when people ignore you or joke you off, dismissing the feelings and needs you carry. I know that in those moments, you are not asking for much. You are only asking to hear: I am not going anywhere, even if things change some.

I understand now that you were never really about being alone. You are about mattering. You are about protecting an already fragile faith in people. You are the fear of becoming cold and indifferent, because shutting down feels like the only way left to stay safe. I know this is a double-edged sword, a self-fulfilling prophecy - and I know you know it too. But I also know where you come from. You come from a deep place inside; a childhood wound that opened before I had words for it, that showed up again and again and gained strength before I was able to name you. You are an ongoing struggle, and I am learning not to be ashamed of that.

I want you to know that I know my worth. I know I will be okay with or without people in my life. But I hear your two deepest fears - the fear of not caring, and the fear of not being cared for - and I will not abandon you to face them alone. That would only prove your story true, and you deserve a different story.

Fear of Abandonment, you scare me and you often catch me by surprise, but I see you. I see you trying to protect a heart that has loved hard and lost faith slowly. I may not always soothe you the right way, say the right things or see you coming; I may need time to understand why you showed up. But I need you to know that you are not too much, that you are enough and, most importantly, that you matter. True friendship and true love exist. They are rare, and they are always a work in progress - and so are we.

I just need you to know that I am still here…because I care.

Sincerely,

Your kind and loving heart